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Head In The Clouds

October was ADHD Awareness Month and boy did my brain make me very aware of how severe my ADHD really is. From forgetting important engagements, to not following through on several started projects, to simply excessively daydreaming. Some would say that I've spent most of October with my "head in the clouds" but the truth is, I've spent most of my life with my head up there.

Last month I met with a fellow creative who had mentioned following me during the peak of my Tumblr days. He asked if I was still blogging, and I hesitated on how to answer. Because, yes, I attempt to blog, and want to blog, but I don't feel like I blog enough to say that I'm actually blogging. So instead, I awkwardly giggled and said something along the lines of , "I try." In turn he replied somewhere along the lines of, "yeah it's a new generation of blogging, a lot of that old generation fell off."

Although I think he was referring to "Tumblr" falling off, it still really hit me. I felt embarrassed that I didn't continue as much as I would've liked to with my creative endeavors. I fixated on why - why didn't I keep blogging? Why didn't I keep shooting? Why haven't I done anything with music? I feel like I've been in a constant state of planning to, yet I look back and feel like I have nothing to show forth. Then a replaying monologue of phrases such as "what's the point" or "you're not good at this" or the most impactful one, "there are already a lot of better bloggers/creatives/singers out there than you" so I end up leaving the planning in the hypothetical clouds that my head is always in.

Here's the thing, I can either mope and gloat about how my brain simply does not make it easy for me to get shit done, or I can accept and acknowledge it, see how I can improve for the next time I attempt to do what I excessively daydream about - at my own pace. In the end, all I want is for my content to be real and genuine. Having to deal with not only my ADHD but my Comorbid Bipolar Disorder as well, half of my time goes to making sure I can even get up some mornings and fighting the voice in my head that says nothing I do is worth it. The long length in between posts is due to a constant struggle of convincing myself that what I've created is worth sharing and that there are people that might give a f*ck, but then again, it also doesn't matter if no one does. Share it anyway, even if just for yourself. Oh if only it were that easy.

But it's thanks to blogs like these, from real people who share their own real life experiences, that gets me through and inspires me to continue on my own journey. Yeah I've been diagnosed with these disorders, yeah I don't have the same focus or attention span as others, yeah my head is always in the clouds, but I'm starting to not mind them as much. In fact, I'm starting to think they're kind of pretty - now that I've allowed them to be.

Just an example of how bad my ADHD is, these shots were taken two years ago and I am just now sharing them. I was reminded of these photos because of my blog title and I thought these would be fitting. I can't believe Fall is already here and the real clouds are actually starting to roll in. Happy fall everyone!

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